Me vs Me

I lied. I do not have anything useful for today’s post, it’s all nonsense again. I set myself this goal to write an essay on Interplanetary Travel using Heidegger’s Philosophical framework today and I had a huge cup of coffee at 9 PM to get started. Guess what? My brain was a little bit indisposed, so I figured “Why don’t we watch a couple of Gilmore Girls episodes on Netflix?” You know, to sort of give the brain a little bit of a rest before the hard work ahead.

4 Episodes, man. That means a total of zero words written today. God, it’s been a funky, funky week. There’s a lot of assignments to do by the end of this month, and I just feel like my brain is being fed millions of concepts and ideas every day with all these readings and I wonder if it’s just going to explode at any moment, just blow away half of this little town, hit markets and houses and dogs and old ladies on motorcycles in the bike lane.

The last episode I watched was about Rory, who had just entered a new, more demanding school. She studied one week for a test, stayed up the whole night before, going through her notes and trying to memorize everything. She fell asleep without setting her alarm so she was late for the test and the teacher wouldn’t let her take it. She then goes into this emotional breakdown in the classroom and starts yelling at everyone.

Well, I haven’t yelled at anyone yet, but I’ve sure had some breakdowns going on inside my brain. There’s just something wrong with me that keeps telling me I’m such a loser. My brain is just trying to convince me that nobody likes me, it makes me feel really awkward and self-conscious about everything I say, wear and do. I had a coffee stain on my shirt and I swore everyone was looking at me and thinking how disgusting I was. What am I, twelve? I know what you’re thinking, I know it’s just a lie. I’m making it up, it’s all up here in my head, but it feels so real. It makes it a little harder to focus on studying or reading, it turns every single situation into a nightmare.

It wasn’t all that bad this week, I had some pretty good solid conversations with a couple of people just yesterday. I got to know the details of my roommate’s graphic design projects and a lot about her family. I met a local guy who’s into Mexican cholos and culture and I think he’s up for being a really good friend. I also met a Tekno DJ. It’s beyond my understanding that people keep being so nice to me and yet I feel so bad with myself. Maybe it’s just the shitty diet, the hours I’m not sleeping, maybe too much beer?

What am I doing? I should be working out regularly, trying to avoid carbohydrates, drinking red wine instead of beer, drinking plenty of water! Avoiding processed foods, getting a job. I need a little bit of settling, wouldn’t be bad at all. I know it’s going to be okay, eventually. But days pass by so quickly, it’s been 5 weeks already, and my philosophy reading seems to be a bit slow. There are so many drinks and gatherings going on around me, I never listen to the alarm, I can’t come up with a schedule, I’m all over the fucking place. I need a slap in the face from someone. Or a long-lasting hug. Someone to tell me it’s fine. “Keep going, you’re doing fine.” Instead is just me and my brain, having this inner dialogue, these long crappy discussions about my personality and my social anxiety and insecurities.

– They hate me.
– No, they don’t, it’s okay.
– Who would want to be my friend, I can’t even properly comb my hair.
– Nobody gives a shit about your hair.
– Do I really think I can drive any positive change in the world? I must be delusional.

I sometimes talk to myself out loud. And I really, really, really miss my dog. Don’t mind me, it’s 3 in the morning, I’ll get it together tomorrow morning.


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